You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
