He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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