my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
