I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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