just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
