Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Plan B is the new Plan A
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
