If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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