Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
