Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
NoShamevember. You game?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
