A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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