So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
