You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Boobs are out for the taking
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
