Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I queefed so loud it echoed.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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