I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
