I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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