She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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