it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
