What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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