how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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