she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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