I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
