Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Randomize
