I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
