Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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