she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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