Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
