dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
