My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You ruined the universe
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize