3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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