All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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