I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize