i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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