I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
