did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
