I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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