I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
