I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
