I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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