Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You are the jesus of drinking
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
