i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
