I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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