God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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