Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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