why didn't you poke me back
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
