Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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