upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
