I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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