i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize