The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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