I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
