Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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