Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
