If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize