he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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