I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
