Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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