and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The uberlube is also flammable
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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