The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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