the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
