you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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