My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
