You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
