You smell like stripper and shame
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
