I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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