After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize