She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
