I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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