We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
