the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
