he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
