i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
