Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
