Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
