Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
