His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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